💉 Ask Dr. Pantybottom
Dr. Reginald Pantybottom, MD, PhD, OBE, BYOB
Unlicensed Therapist • Suspended Physician • Banned from 3 Countries
Dr. Pantybottom studied medicine at a university he refuses to name, graduated with honours he cannot prove, and has been dispensing unsolicited advice to the general public since a court order technically forbade him from practising actual medicine in 1997.
His weekly advice column has been described as “a danger to public health” (The Lancet), “genuinely criminal” (British Medical Journal), and “quite funny actually” (his mum).
DISCLAIMER: Dr. Pantybottom is not a real doctor. Nothing on this page constitutes medical advice. If you have something lodged somewhere it shouldn't be, please go to an actual hospital immediately.
I've been on three dates with a woman who keeps calling me by the wrong name. Do I correct her or just legally change my name?
Change your name. It's cheaper than the emotional energy required to correct someone three dates deep. You've missed the window. That window was approximately 45 seconds into date one. You are now whoever she thinks you are. Embrace it. Kevin (or whatever she's calling you) sounds like a lovely man.
I've been living behind the bins at Tesco for three weeks and honestly it's better than my flat. Am I depressed or just practical?
Gary, you may be both. Living behind the bins at Tesco offers several advantages over modern housing: no rent, proximity to reduced-price sandwiches, and a sense of community with the local foxes. However, it does suggest a certain detachment from societal norms that I, as a medical professional, am obligated to flag. That said, my office is above a kebab shop and smells of regret, so I'm not really in a position to judge.
My mate dared me to fit an entire billiard ball in my mouth. It went in fine. It will not come out. I am typing this with my nose. Please advise.
Congratulations — you have discovered the billiard ball phenomenon, which is medically known as "spherical oral entrapment" and colloquially known as "being a complete muppet." The human jaw can open wide enough to admit a standard billiard ball (52.5mm) but the reflex to close slightly when panicked prevents removal. You will need to go to A&E, where a doctor will manually hold your jaw open while trying very hard not to laugh. This happens more often than you'd think. Mainly on Saturdays. After pubs close.
Dr. Pantybottom, I recently discovered that my cat has been ordering things from Amazon using my laptop while I'm asleep. He's spent $340 on fish-shaped objects. Can I claim this on insurance?
No. Insurance does not cover feline e-commerce. However, you should be more concerned that your cat has learned your password. Change it immediately. Do not change it to anything fish-related, as the cat will guess it. I also recommend enabling two-factor authentication, though if your cat has opposable thumbs, this may also prove futile. Consider getting a dog. Dogs are too stupid to use the internet. This is their greatest quality.
I think my neighbours are watching me. Every time I look out the window, they're in their garden. Just... standing there. Looking at flowers. What are they REALLY doing?
Pete, they're gardening. That's it. That's what they're doing. However, the fact that YOU are constantly looking out YOUR window at THEM does raise some questions. You may wish to examine who, in this scenario, is actually watching whom. I'm legally obligated to suggest that you close the curtains and sit down.
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