💉 Ask Dr. Pantybottom
Dr. Reginald Pantybottom, MD, PhD, OBE, BYOB
Unlicensed Therapist • Suspended Physician • Banned from 3 Countries
Dr. Pantybottom studied medicine at a university he refuses to name, graduated with honours he cannot prove, and has been dispensing unsolicited advice to the general public since a court order technically forbade him from practising actual medicine in 1997.
His weekly advice column has been described as “a danger to public health” (The Lancet), “genuinely criminal” (British Medical Journal), and “quite funny actually” (his mum).
DISCLAIMER: Dr. Pantybottom is not a real doctor. Nothing on this page constitutes medical advice. If you have something lodged somewhere it shouldn't be, please go to an actual hospital immediately.
I can't sleep because I keep remembering embarrassing things I did in 2003. Please help.
What you're experiencing is known as Nocturnal Cringe Recall, and it affects 100% of humans who have ever existed. The brain stores embarrassing memories in the same region responsible for falling asleep, because evolution is a cruel comedian. My advice: do something so embarrassing TODAY that it overwrites the 2003 memories. I suggest karaoke.
I think my neighbours are watching me. Every time I look out the window, they're in their garden. Just... standing there. Looking at flowers. What are they REALLY doing?
Pete, they're gardening. That's it. That's what they're doing. However, the fact that YOU are constantly looking out YOUR window at THEM does raise some questions. You may wish to examine who, in this scenario, is actually watching whom. I'm legally obligated to suggest that you close the curtains and sit down.
My ex keeps texting me at 2am. She says she "just wants to talk." She also keeps asking if I still have the key to her apartment. What does this mean?
It means she wants her key back. Return the key, block the number, and for heaven's sake stop reading things into 2am text messages. Nothing good has ever been communicated after midnight. This is Dr. Pantybottom's First Law of Telecommunications. My second law is "never answer a call from a number you don't recognize," but that's mainly because I owe money to several people.
Hypothetically, if someone — not me, a friend — accidentally swallowed a Lego Millennium Falcon, how many pieces would need to pass before they should see a doctor?
The Lego Millennium Falcon contains 7,541 pieces. Your "friend" should have visited a doctor approximately 7,541 pieces ago. The fact that this is being framed as hypothetical concerns me less than the fact that it's from Florida, which explains everything. Please tell your "friend" to seek immediate medical attention and to stop eating Star Wars merchandise.
Doctor, I sat on a TV remote and now I can't find it. Possibly unrelated: I've been changing channels involuntarily. Is this serious?
Trevor, I want you to listen very carefully. Go to hospital. Do not pass Go. Do not collect £200. When you arrive, tell them exactly what happened. They will not believe you. Nobody who arrives at A&E with a remote control-related injury has EVER been believed. The standard response is "I fell on it," which the nurses have heard approximately fourteen thousand times. Just be honest. They've seen worse. Probably today.
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