💉 Ask Dr. Pantybottom
Dr. Reginald Pantybottom, MD, PhD, OBE, BYOB
Unlicensed Therapist • Suspended Physician • Banned from 3 Countries
Dr. Pantybottom studied medicine at a university he refuses to name, graduated with honours he cannot prove, and has been dispensing unsolicited advice to the general public since a court order technically forbade him from practising actual medicine in 1997.
His weekly advice column has been described as “a danger to public health” (The Lancet), “genuinely criminal” (British Medical Journal), and “quite funny actually” (his mum).
DISCLAIMER: Dr. Pantybottom is not a real doctor. Nothing on this page constitutes medical advice. If you have something lodged somewhere it shouldn't be, please go to an actual hospital immediately.
Dear Dr. Pantybottom, I accidentally called my boss "Mummy" during a board meeting. Twice. How do I recover from this?
You don't. Your career is over. I suggest changing your name, moving to a country with no extradition treaties, and never making eye contact with another human being. On the bright side, your boss — sorry, your Mummy — probably found it endearing. If she didn't, she'll bring it up at every meeting for the rest of your natural life. Consider retail.
My girlfriend left me for a man who owns a boat. I don't own a boat. Should I buy a boat?
Under no circumstances should you buy a boat. A boat is a hole in the water into which you pour money, hope, and eventually your second marriage. Your girlfriend didn't leave you for a boat — she left you for a man with the CONFIDENCE to own a boat, which is to say, a man incapable of basic financial planning. You dodged a torpedo. Send her a thank-you card.
I've been on three dates with a woman who keeps calling me by the wrong name. Do I correct her or just legally change my name?
Change your name. It's cheaper than the emotional energy required to correct someone three dates deep. You've missed the window. That window was approximately 45 seconds into date one. You are now whoever she thinks you are. Embrace it. Kevin (or whatever she's calling you) sounds like a lovely man.
I can't sleep because I keep remembering embarrassing things I did in 2003. Please help.
What you're experiencing is known as Nocturnal Cringe Recall, and it affects 100% of humans who have ever existed. The brain stores embarrassing memories in the same region responsible for falling asleep, because evolution is a cruel comedian. My advice: do something so embarrassing TODAY that it overwrites the 2003 memories. I suggest karaoke.
My husband has started sleeping in the shed. He says it's for his "mental health." The shed has no electricity. Should I be worried?
Brenda, your husband has achieved what many men spend their entire lives chasing: a legitimate excuse to live in a shed. This is the pinnacle of male aspiration. Do NOT interfere. Simply slide sandwiches under the door at regular intervals and he will emerge in approximately six to eight weeks, fully recharged and smelling of creosote.
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