💉 Ask Dr. Pantybottom
Dr. Reginald Pantybottom, MD, PhD, OBE, BYOB
Unlicensed Therapist • Suspended Physician • Banned from 3 Countries
Dr. Pantybottom studied medicine at a university he refuses to name, graduated with honours he cannot prove, and has been dispensing unsolicited advice to the general public since a court order technically forbade him from practising actual medicine in 1997.
His weekly advice column has been described as “a danger to public health” (The Lancet), “genuinely criminal” (British Medical Journal), and “quite funny actually” (his mum).
DISCLAIMER: Dr. Pantybottom is not a real doctor. Nothing on this page constitutes medical advice. If you have something lodged somewhere it shouldn't be, please go to an actual hospital immediately.
My ex keeps texting me at 2am. She says she "just wants to talk." She also keeps asking if I still have the key to her apartment. What does this mean?
It means she wants her key back. Return the key, block the number, and for heaven's sake stop reading things into 2am text messages. Nothing good has ever been communicated after midnight. This is Dr. Pantybottom's First Law of Telecommunications. My second law is "never answer a call from a number you don't recognize," but that's mainly because I owe money to several people.
Dr. Pantybottom, I recently discovered that my cat has been ordering things from Amazon using my laptop while I'm asleep. He's spent $340 on fish-shaped objects. Can I claim this on insurance?
No. Insurance does not cover feline e-commerce. However, you should be more concerned that your cat has learned your password. Change it immediately. Do not change it to anything fish-related, as the cat will guess it. I also recommend enabling two-factor authentication, though if your cat has opposable thumbs, this may also prove futile. Consider getting a dog. Dogs are too stupid to use the internet. This is their greatest quality.
Hypothetically, if someone — not me, a friend — accidentally swallowed a Lego Millennium Falcon, how many pieces would need to pass before they should see a doctor?
The Lego Millennium Falcon contains 7,541 pieces. Your "friend" should have visited a doctor approximately 7,541 pieces ago. The fact that this is being framed as hypothetical concerns me less than the fact that it's from Florida, which explains everything. Please tell your "friend" to seek immediate medical attention and to stop eating Star Wars merchandise.
Dear Dr. Pantybottom, I accidentally called my boss "Mummy" during a board meeting. Twice. How do I recover from this?
You don't. Your career is over. I suggest changing your name, moving to a country with no extradition treaties, and never making eye contact with another human being. On the bright side, your boss — sorry, your Mummy — probably found it endearing. If she didn't, she'll bring it up at every meeting for the rest of your natural life. Consider retail.
I think my neighbours are watching me. Every time I look out the window, they're in their garden. Just... standing there. Looking at flowers. What are they REALLY doing?
Pete, they're gardening. That's it. That's what they're doing. However, the fact that YOU are constantly looking out YOUR window at THEM does raise some questions. You may wish to examine who, in this scenario, is actually watching whom. I'm legally obligated to suggest that you close the curtains and sit down.
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