Issue #666 • $6.90USD • July 2026

YOU BLOW DEAD BEARS

“The world’s 3rd Most Hygienic Humour Website”
📺 AS SEEN ON TV AT 3AM

ARE YOU TIRED OF MUSIC THAT'S
"GOOD" AND "ENJOYABLE"?

Then HOT DANG, do we have the album for you! Introducing the long-awaited, never-requested debut from the holler's finest—

Corncob Wipin' — Album Cover
NEW
RELEASE*

*Recorded in 1983. Found in a barn in 2024.

CLETUS MAGEE
& THE COBKNOCKERS

“Corncob Wipin’”

12 tracks of pure, uncut, Appalachian-grade entertainment
(6 of which we could legally release)

🌟 0 Stars — Rolling Stone 🚫 BANNED in 14 States ⚠️ May Cause Banjo
★ ★ ★ BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE ★ ★ ★

That's right, folks! For the low, low price of absolutely nothing (because no record label would touch this), you can now experience the raw, unfiltered genius of Cletus Magee and the Cobknockers — straight from the hills of East Bumble County, where the banjos ring and the family trees don't fork.

Recorded live in Cletus's uncle-daddy's tobacco barn using nothing but a four-track recorder, a busted microphone held together with electrical tape, and the kind of determination that only comes from having absolutely no other options in life, “Corncob Wipin'” is the debut album critics are calling:

“Genuinely the worst thing I have ever heard, and I was at Woodstock '99.” — Doug Fingerling, Unaccredited Music Journalist
“I put this on at a party and three people left. Two of them were in the band.” — Merle LaFondue, WKRP Late Night
“My dog howled for nine minutes. Then he packed a bag.” — Tammy-May Bickle, Owensboro Gazette

🔥 ORDER NOW and receive a FREE lyric sheet printed on the back of a Waffle House placemat! 🔥

🎸 Meet the Band

Cletus Magee — Vocals, Banjo, Jug, Threats
Cletus has been making music since 1971 and enemies since considerably earlier. His voice has been described as "a goat being fed through a screen door" and "technically not illegal." Three-time winner of the East Bumble County Hog Callin' Championship (disqualified twice). Wanted in two counties for unrelated reasons.
Lil' Dwayne Magee — Fiddle, Washboard, Spoons, Parole Violations
Cletus's nephew (and, through a complex series of events, also his stepson). Lil' Dwayne taught himself fiddle at the age of 9 using a shoebox and some fishing line. He has not improved since. Currently holds the record for Most Consecutive Notes Played Wrong at the Pikeville Bluegrass Festival (2019).
Big Earleen — Upright Bass, Harmonies, Staring
Nobody knows Big Earleen's last name, where she came from, or how she got the bass into the barn. She just appeared at rehearsal one day in 1982 and hasn't spoken since. Her bass playing has been described as "present" and "happening." She communicates exclusively through sustained eye contact and occasional grunting.
Possum Jenkins — Dobro, Mouth Sounds, Running from Things
Not his real name. Possibly not a real person. Possum showed up halfway through the recording session wearing a raccoon hat and carrying a Dobro with no strings. He played it anyway. The sounds he produced have been sent to three universities for analysis. Results pending.

🎶 Track Listing

Click play if you dare. Headphones recommended. Therapy recommended after.

1
Corncob Wipin'
The title track. A tender ballad about a man, a cob, and a situation.
3:42
2
My Family Tree's a Stick
An honest exploration of limited branching in the Magee lineage.
2:58
3
Off She Run (Like a Turpentined Dog)
A love song. Sort of. She ran. He didn't chase. The dog did.
4:11
4
Lurleen
A slow, heartbreaking ballad about Cletus's one true love — a sheep named Lurleen. She was taken from him by the county. He's never recovered. Neither has the county.
5:23
5
My Nephew Is My Stepson
A surprisingly detailed narrative explaining the complex series of marriages, divorces, and familial oversights by which Lil' Dwayne became both Cletus's nephew AND his stepson. Includes a spoken-word middle section with a diagram.
3:37
6
We Eat Trespassers
A stern, up-tempo warning to anyone thinking of setting foot on Magee land. The chorus is just Cletus listing condiments. Possum Jenkins provides menacing Dobro.
2:44

⚠️ SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Listening to more than two tracks consecutively may cause spontaneous line dancing, involuntary yee-hawing, and an overwhelming urge to marry your cousin. The Cobknockers accept no liability.

CALL NOW! 1-800-COB-WIPE

Operators are standing by! (They're not. There are no operators. There is no phone number. Cletus ate the phone.)

Available on 8-track, cassette, and a wax cylinder Cletus found at a yard sale. Not available on Spotify because Spotify said no. Twice.

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