Issue #666 • $6.90USD • July 2026

YOU BLOW DEAD BEARS

“The world’s 3rd Most Hygienic Humour Website”
⛨ AS SEEN ON CHANNEL 47 — SUNDAY 4AM

DO YOU LOVE JESUS?
DO YOU REALLY LOVE JESUS?
(Like... love love?)

Then prepare your ears, your heart, and your relationship with the Almighty for the debut album from the sweetest, loudest, most passionately devoted sister act this side of the Rapture—

Jesus, I Want You (Inside Me) — Album Cover
BLESSED
RELEASE

*Recorded live at the Third Baptist Church of Greater Pigsknuckle, 1973. Found behind the baptismal font in 2024.

THE FAITHTONES

“Jesus, I Want You (Inside Me)”

9 tracks of uncompromising devotion to the Lord
(1 of which we could legally release)

⛨ Blessed by 0 Denominations 🚫 BANNED by 3 Churches 🎼 May Cause Involuntary Prayer
✝ ✝ ✝ HALLELUJAH, THERE'S MORE ✝ ✝ ✝

Friends, are you tired of gospel music that sounds good? Are you weary of harmonies that are in tune? Have you ever sat in church thinking, “this hymn would be so much better if three large women screamed it at me in slightly different keys”?

Then the Lord has answered a prayer you never made! The Faithtones — sisters Ella, Stella, and Della Finstemocker — recorded this album in a single, fevered session at the Third Baptist Church of Greater Pigsknuckle, Arkansas, in the summer of 1973. The church has since been demolished. The congregation has since disbanded. The piano has since been exorcised.

What remains is “Jesus, I Want You (Inside Me)” — nine tracks of caterwauling falsetto, trembling organ, and a devotion to Jesus Christ so passionate, so intense, so deeply and bewilderingly personal that three separate theologians have written letters asking the sisters to “perhaps choose their words more carefully.” The sisters see nothing wrong. The sisters never see anything wrong.

“I thought I was having a religious experience. Turns out it was a migraine.” — Pastor Dwight Hunnicutt, Pigsknuckle Quarterly
“The Faithtones sing about Jesus the way most people sing about an ex they're not over. It's unsettling. I can't stop listening.” — Lurlene Voss, Gospel Digest (before it folded)
“I played this at a church fete and an elderly woman crossed herself so hard she dislocated her shoulder.” — Deacon Marcus Plimpton, Second Methodist of Nowheresville
“Three stars. Would be five if I could understand a single word over the shrieking.” — Amazon review (verified purchase, returned)

✝ ORDER NOW and receive a FREE prayer card with Della's personal phone number on the back! (Della is lonely. Please call Della.) ✝

👼 Meet the Sisters

Ella Finstemocker — Lead Vocals, High Notes, Pointing at the Sky
The eldest Finstemocker sister and self-appointed leader of The Faithtones. Ella's soprano has been measured at frequencies that interfere with AM radio. She claims to have been "touched by the Spirit" at age eleven, and has been touching audiences with her voice ever since — though "assaulting" might be more accurate. She leads every song from a position of absolute moral authority and volume. Her beehive hairdo has not changed since 1967. It is structurally load-bearing.
Stella Finstemocker — Harmonies, Tambourine, Weeping
The middle sister. Stella cries during every performance. Not from emotion — her vocal technique requires such strain that tears are produced involuntarily, like squeezing a sponge. She handles the tambourine with a ferocity that has resulted in two broken wrists (hers) and one restraining order (the tambourine's, theoretically). Stella's vibrato has been clocked at 11Hz, which technically classifies it as a tremor. She considers this a gift.
Della Finstemocker — Alto, Organ, Uncomfortably Intense Eye Contact
The youngest and most earnest of the three. Della plays the church organ with a fervour that has been described as "very committed" by people trying to be kind, and "a bit much" by everyone else. Her alto provides the foundation of The Faithtones' sound, in the same way that the foundation of a building provides a starting point for structural collapse. Della has been engaged seven times. She says she's "saving herself for the right one" but won't elaborate on what she means by that. Della is available. Please call Della.

🎼 Track Listing

Press play to experience the Faithtones at full volume. Headphones recommended. Having a personal relationship with Christ is optional but may help you understand what's happening.

1
Jesus, I Want You (Inside Me)
The title track. An earnest plea for the Lord to come into one's heart. The sisters insist the title is "purely spiritual." The extended high note at the 2:45 mark is, we are assured, "speaking in tongues."
4:17
2
I Need You Tonight, Jesus
A tender slow-burner in which Della takes the lead, murmuring softly over a trembling organ. The church elders requested this one not be performed at the 1974 revival. It was performed anyway.

🔒 Track unavailable — master tape destroyed in a baptismal font incident

3:52
3
He Touched Me
A classic gospel standard given the Faithtones treatment: Stella closes her eyes and clutches her heart on the word "touched" every single time. The backing harmonies sound like three cats trapped in a dryer.

🔒 Track unavailable — master tape destroyed in a baptismal font incident

3:08
4
Just a Closer Walk with Thee
The longest track on the album. Ella starts at a whisper and builds to a shriek that peels paint. At the 4-minute mark, all three sisters are wailing in different keys simultaneously. Intentional? Unclear.

🔒 Track unavailable — master tape destroyed in a baptismal font incident

5:44
5
He Will Answer Your Prayer
An up-tempo number in which the sisters assure the listener that Jesus will answer — He just needs time, like a man. The passive-aggressive undertone has been described as "theologically complex."

🔒 Track unavailable — master tape destroyed in a baptismal font incident

3:31
6
The Old Rugged Cross
A reverent classic, ruined. Della adds a vibrato so aggressive it registers on seismographs. Ella harmonises in what musicologists have termed "an adjacent key." Stella cries throughout.

🔒 Track unavailable — master tape destroyed in a baptismal font incident

4:02
7
Somebody Prayed for Me
A grateful testimony. At least, we think it's grateful. The caterwauling falsetto makes it impossible to tell whether the sisters are praising the Lord or summoning Him against His will.

🔒 Track unavailable — master tape destroyed in a baptismal font incident

3:19
8
I'll Fly Away
The album's attempt at a foot-stomper. Ella hits a note at the 1:30 mark that technically doesn't exist. Dogs in the recording studio fled. The producer wept.

🔒 Track unavailable — master tape destroyed in a baptismal font incident

2:58
9
Thank You Lord
The closing track. A quiet moment of reflection that builds into a wall of harmonised screaming. The final chord is held for 22 seconds. Nobody blinks. The tape runs out. Silence. Then sobbing. It is unclear whose.

🔒 Track unavailable — master tape destroyed in a baptismal font incident

3:45

✝ SPIRITUAL ADVISORY: Prolonged exposure to The Faithtones may result in spontaneous glossolalia, involuntary altar calls, and an overwhelming urge to casserole. The Finstemocker sisters accept no liability for lost faith, gained faith, or faith that has become confusingly intense. ✝

CALL NOW! 1-800-4-PRAISE

Operators are praying by! (The operators are Della. It's just Della. She answers on the first ring. She's been waiting.)

Available on vinyl, 8-track, and a cassette Della personally recorded over her ex-fiancé's Bee Gees collection. Not available on streaming platforms because the Lord works on mysterious timelines.

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