Issue #666 • $6.90USD • July 2026

YOU BLOW DEAD BEARS

“The world’s 3rd Most Hygienic Humour Website”
☠ BROADCAST FROM THE FROZEN VOID — THUNDER BAY COMMUNITY ACCESS CH. 12

FROM THE LIGHTLESS DEPTHS OF NORTHERN ONTARIO
A DARKNESS APPROACHES
(but it called ahead to let you know)

Brace yourself for the most punishing, unrelenting, and deeply considerate black metal to ever emerge from the Canadian shield—

Tim Hortons of the Black Flame — Album Cover
KVLT
BREWED

*Recorded in a cabin outside Thunder Bay during a polar vortex. The cabin's owner was notified beforehand and given a gift card.

SORRY, WINTER

“Tim Hortons of the Black Flame”

12 tracks of boreal fury and municipal compliance
(2 available to stream — the others are pending a noise review)

☠ Tr00 Kvlt (But Nice About It) ☕ Fuelled by Double-Doubles 🍁 Leave No Trace Certified
☠ ☠ ☠ THE ABYSS GAZES BACK (POLITELY) ☠ ☠ ☠

In the frozen wastes of Northern Ontario, where the wind howls through endless pines and the Tim Hortons drive-through line stretches into the darkness, four souls have forged a pact with something ancient and terrible. They call themselves Sorry, Winter. They play black metal. They are very, very sorry about it.

“Tim Hortons of the Black Flame” is twelve tracks of blistering, frost-bitten aggression tempered by an almost pathological need to be considerate. The blast beats are relentless. The tremolo picking is savage. The apology emails to neighbouring campsites are eloquent and timely. This is Canadian black metal: music that wants to drag you into an eternal winter but would feel really bad if you weren't dressed for it.

The album was recorded in a single weekend at a cabin outside Thunder Bay during the worst polar vortex in a decade. The cabin's owner — a retired schoolteacher named Brenda — was informed well in advance and given a $25 Tim Hortons gift card for her trouble. She said it was "a bit much" but appreciated the gesture. The band has since sent a follow-up thank-you card.

“I've never heard anything so aggressive and so polite at the same time. It's like being mauled by a bear that keeps checking if you're okay.” — Frostbite Magazine (Thunder Bay edition)
“They left an apology note nailed to a tree after their forest ritual. The note was laminated. They used a finishing nail so as not to damage the bark too much.” — Decibel Monthly, "Bands We Don't Understand" column
“My favourite part was when the vocalist screamed 'ETERNAL SUFFERING' and then immediately added 'but not for you, you've been lovely.'” — An audience member at their only live show (attendance: 11, including Brenda)
“Four stars. Lost one star because the drummer emailed me a blastbeat schedule and I didn't ask for that.” — RateYourMusic (the only review)

☠ ORDER NOW and receive a complimentary apology card signed by all four members, plus a Tim Hortons napkin with the setlist written on it in what may or may not be blood. (It's ketchup. Greg checked.) ☠

☠ The Unholy Fellowship

Grímfrost Apologeist — Vocals, Apologies, Extra Blankets
Born Greg. Raised in Thunder Bay. Spent fifteen years as a park ranger before the solitude of too many quiet winters drove him toward the shrieking void of black metal vocals. His corpse paint features a maple leaf over one eye and his cloak is lined with flannel "for warmth and because it was on sale at Canadian Tire." Every recorded scream on this album is followed by a barely audible "sorry" that the band has given up trying to remove from the mix. He brings extra blankets to every show and leaves them on chairs "in case anyone's cold." Nobody has ever been cold at a Sorry, Winter show. The blankets are always taken.
Kvlt Roast Necrobarista — Guitar, Dark Roast Distortion, Coffee Breaks
Real name Devin. Assistant manager at the Tim Hortons on Memorial Avenue, Thunder Bay. Opens at 4:30 AM every weekday and has never once been late, which he considers his most kvlt achievement. His custom pedal — the "Dark Roast Distortion" — was built from a gutted coffee grinder and produces a tone he describes as "the sound of a double-double brewed in the abyss." Refers to tremolo picking as "fast pour technique." Band practices are "double-doubles of despair." Insists on a coffee break every forty minutes of rehearsal. Knows every regular's order at the Tim Hortons. Knows every irregular's order too. You cannot surprise Devin.
Boreal Warden of Eternal Regret — Bass, Trail Maintenance, Leave No Trace
Goes by Chad on weekdays. Volunteer trail steward for the Lakehead Region Conservation Authority. Joined the band because, in his words, "the woods already felt kinda metal, honestly." His bass tone has been described by the one music journalist who reviewed them as "deeply apologetic," which Chad took as a compliment. After every forest ritual or outdoor performance, he stays behind to pick up any litter, rake the site, and nail a laminated apology note to the nearest tree using a finishing nail to minimize bark damage. He logs every show in his trail maintenance journal. The journal is available for public inspection at the Thunder Bay library.
Blastbeat Penitent of the Northern Veil — Drums, Noise Permits, Community Outreach
Ashley to her students at Confederation College, where she teaches beginner percussion on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Her blast beats are technically flawless and existentially distressing, which she worries about constantly. Before every rehearsal, she emails all campers, cabin owners, and wildlife within a two-kilometre radius an approximate blastbeat schedule with estimated decibel levels and a suggested "quiet window" for anyone who needs one. Her practice pad is labelled "quiet mode (for cabins nearby)" and she counts in every song: "one-two-sorry-go." She has never received a noise complaint. She has also never stopped expecting one.

🎼 Track Listing

Press play if you dare. Headphones recommended out of consideration for those around you. Ashley would want it that way.

1
Invocation of the Double-Double Abyss
The album opener. A grinding, reverb-soaked incantation about summoning something ancient and terrible from the depths of a Tim Hortons drive-through. Greg screams into the void and then immediately apologises to it. Devin's "Dark Roast Distortion" pedal makes its debut here, producing a tone best described as "burnt."

🔒 Track unavailable — noise permit still pending with the municipality

6:06
2
Blasphemy Beneath the Pines (We'll Keep It Down)
A mid-tempo crusher about conducting unholy rites in the boreal forest while being mindful of noise bylaws. Greg's vocals alternate between guttural roar and a neighbourly "we'll wrap it up by ten." Chad's bass rumbles like a distant apology.

🔒 Track unavailable — noise permit still pending with the municipality

5:23
3
Whispers in the Dark (Sorry About That)
The single. A blistering tremolo-picked meditation on lurking in darkness and then feeling bad about startling someone. Ashley's blast beats come in waves, each one preceded by a tiny "sorry" from Greg that somehow made it onto the master. Nobody can figure out how to edit it out. They've stopped trying.
4:47
4
Frostbitten Litany of Mild Inconvenience
The epic. Seven minutes of howling about the existential horror of forgetting your gloves and having to go back inside. Features a three-minute instrumental section where Devin takes a coffee break and Chad fills in with what he calls "meditative trail bass." Ashley counts in the final movement: "one-two-sorry-go."

🔒 Track unavailable — noise permit still pending with the municipality

7:12
5
Corpsepaint Courtesy Ritual
A short, savage track about the sacred rite of applying corpsepaint while still holding the door open for the person behind you. The breakdown at 2:30 sounds like a chainsaw gargling maple syrup. Greg insists the lyrics are about "the duality of politeness and oblivion" but they're mostly just "sorry" at different speeds.

🔒 Track unavailable — noise permit still pending with the municipality

3:58
6
The Third Cup Was a Mistake (Forgive Me)
The band's magnum opus of regret. Three double-doubles deep into an improvised Tuesday night session, the tremolo picking got too fast, the blast beats got too loud, and something answered from the darkness that wasn't on the guest list. By the second verse a low-level demonic entity had materialised in the cabin. By the bridge, Greg is screaming apologies to the demon, the neighbours, and the municipality of Thunder Bay simultaneously. Devin offers it a coffee. Chad is already drafting an incident report for the Conservation Authority. Ashley checks whether summoning counts as a noise bylaw violation (it does). The final third of the track is the band trying to talk the entity into leaving quietly because it's a Wednesday morning and people have work. It eventually agrees on the condition they "never do that again on a school night." They haven't.
4:15
7
Nocturnal Disturbance Permit Pending
An absolute wall of noise constrained by municipal bylaw awareness. Ashley submitted an actual noise variance request to the Thunder Bay city clerk before recording this track. It was denied. They recorded it anyway but kept the volume at a respectful level. The liner notes include a formal apology to adjacent properties.

🔒 Track unavailable — noise permit still pending with the municipality

5:51
8
Hymns of the Boreal Apology Choir
The band's attempt at atmospheric black metal. Layered choral screams echo through reverb so deep it sounds like an entire cathedral saying "pardon me." Chad recorded his bass in the middle of one of his hiking trails. You can hear a loon at the 4-minute mark. He left a thank-you note for it.

🔒 Track unavailable — noise permit still pending with the municipality

6:33
9
We Faced North So As Not to Bother You
A contemplative piece about orienting your amplifiers away from the neighbouring campsite out of basic human decency. The guitar tone is what happens when you run a signal through Devin's "Dark Roast Distortion" pedal and a Tim Hortons loyalty card reader simultaneously. It should not work. It does not work. It is on the album.

🔒 Track unavailable — noise permit still pending with the municipality

4:02
10
Ashes of the Campfire (We Cleaned Up After)
A mournful ode to the dying embers of a campfire, fully extinguished in accordance with provincial fire safety guidelines. Chad made the band wait while he doused the site with water, stirred the ashes, doused it again, waited twenty minutes, and checked one more time. The track's ambient outro is just the sound of him raking the fire pit.

🔒 Track unavailable — noise permit still pending with the municipality

5:17
11
Kvlt Brewed at Dawn (Please Drive Safe)
An up-tempo ripper about the 4:30 AM Tim Hortons opening shift as a form of dark enlightenment. Devin plays this one from muscle memory because he wrote it while half-asleep behind the counter. The "fast pour technique" tremolo picking is so rapid it caused a string breakage mid-take. He fixed it on his break.

🔒 Track unavailable — noise permit still pending with the municipality

3:44
12
Tim Hortons of the Black Flame
The title track and closer. Eight minutes of escalating blackened fury about a Tim Hortons that exists on a spiritual plane where the coffee is always fresh and the Timbits are forged in hellfire but still reasonably priced. All four members play at full intensity for the first and only time on the album. Neighbours were emailed in advance. A formal apology was posted to the Thunder Bay community Facebook group the following morning.

🔒 Track unavailable — noise permit still pending with the municipality

8:06

☠ ADVISORY: Sorry, Winter accepts full responsibility for any discomfort, unease, or existential dread caused by this recording. A formal written apology is available upon request. Please allow 3–5 business days. ☠

AVAILABLE NOW — SORRY

On cassette tape, hand-dubbed by Devin during his 4:30 AM shift. Also available as a mysterious rune-carved USB stick left on a tree stump, though Chad has asked that you please return the stump to its natural state after retrieving it.

Not available on any streaming platform. Not because the band refuses to engage with the modern music industry on principle, but because Greg couldn't figure out DistroKid and felt too embarrassed to ask for help.

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